Our children look to us for guidance and education when it comes to making sense of the world around them. From exposing them to new concepts to satisfying their curiosity, we are responsible for raising children who are informed and respectful of themselves and others. With more trans and nonbinary individuals visible in media and society, discussing gender with your youngsters is very important. Here are some things you should know.

Thinking Ahead When Discussing Gender

You don’t really have the luxury of crossing the bridge of gender discussion when you get to it. Children are met with images related to gender identity from early in life. Experts say that kids can recognize what is typically masculine and feminine between 18 and 24 months, and most will have a strong sense of self by the age of three. It’s key to be clear on where you stand with identity and expression as soon as possible. It will be easier to share your thoughts when you’ve spent time thinking about this issue and discussing it with your partner.

Minding How You Go

Because kids are always watching the adults in their lives, be careful about how you may influence their perceptions of gender. From buying clothes in certain colors and giving toys, you don’t want to reinforce the idea that a child has to like certain things because of sex or gender. There will be many outside forces reinforcing gender roles and stereotypes. You want your kids to feel free to express themselves and be open and understanding. Sometimes our actions and comments contradict what we claim to believe. Ask yourself these questions:

• Are my child’s choices their own or are they influenced by societal expectations?
• Would I feel differently about these choices if my child were a different gender?
• Do these choices limit my child’s imagination about existence and who he, she or they grow up to be?

Answer these questions truthfully, as they might expose preconceptions you have that could negatively impact any conversations about gender identity and expression. The world is changing. Girls are learning that they can be strong, smart leaders, while boys are encouraged to feel their emotions and not hide them.

Talking About Identity and Expression When Discussing Gender

If your kid asks you about another person’s gender, it’s best not to assume or go by what you see. While it’s okay to say that you don’t know, here are some ways to be thoughtful in your response:

• Recognize that until someone tells you directly, you don’t know. Share this with your youngster. 
• Use gender-neutral language, including pronouns such as “they” and “them.”
• Frame identity and expression from the point of view of the person, not yours. For example, if a child asks you if someone is a girl or a boy, you could respond by saying, “We don’t know, but it’s up to them to decide if they want to tell us or not.”

Be careful about telling a youngster that a person’s identity or expression doesn’t matter, as that can lead to inadvertent erasure of trans and non-binary people.

Trusting Your Kids

Sometimes we assume that a child is too young to grasp complex concepts. Your child understands his or her gender and expression at this point. You can explain that trans and non-binary people have pronouns and forms of self-expression that are personal to them, just as your child’s pronouns and identity is personal. Encouraging your child to walk in someone else’s shoes teaches empathy, compassion and respect for others.

Gender identity and expression may be concepts that you were ignorant about as a child. Today, increased visibility of trans and non-binary people may lead to questions from those who trust you for guidance. While society still has a long way to go in terms of accepting those who are not cisgender, you can make a difference at home with open, honest and informed discussions about gender.