The LGBTQ+ community includes people who fall under the umbrella of being non-monosexual. This refers to those who identify as bisexual, pansexual, queer, and fluid. These are people who are sexually, romantically, and even emotionally attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity. Non-monosexual people often experience discrimination and prejudice from those who identify as monosexual, whether gay or straight. Because of this, coming out as bi, pan, fluid, or queer can be especially challenging. Here are some tips for non-monosexual individuals and their allies.

Your Experiences Don’t Define Your Identity

It’s important to remember that your past and future experiences don’t define your sexual or gender identity. Even if you’ve been or are currently in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex or gender, your identity as a non-monosexual person is still valid. Over time, you may find that you have to “come out” more than once as you learn more about who you are as well as who and how you love.

For Allies: When a person you know tells you that they’re bi, pan, queer, or fluid, believe them. Past, current, or future relationships do not define sexual orientation or gender identity. These people are who they’ve always been. They shouldn’t have to convince you or anyone about themselves over and over. 

No Two Experiences Will Be the Same

Many people think that non-monosexuality looks the same from person to person. Being bisexual or pansexual doesn’t mean that you’re always attracted to multiple genders equally or simultaneously. If you view sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction as a spectrum, being non-monosexual doesn’t mean that you exist in the middle, halfway between homosexuality and heterosexuality. You may find that your orientation or identity changes throughout your life.

For Allies: Even well-meaning monosexuals can inadvertently erase or delegitimize the experiences and identities of non-monosexuals based on appearances. Don’t assume that one person’s sexual or gender fluidity will resemble that of another.

Others’ Insecurities Are Not Your Problem

It’s not uncommon for non-monosexual people to be perceived as more prone to being unfaithful or involved with multiple persons. In any relationship, open communication about your needs and desires is healthy, but don’t feel pressured to convince a partner of your fidelity, especially if that person is insecure about having a non-monosexual partner. Relationships vary, and what works for one couple may not work for others.

For Allies: Don’t assume that attraction to multiple genders or sexes means that a person is more likely to cheat. That’s a very harmful stereotype that can ruin even platonic relationships. You also run the risk of hypersexualizing non-monosexual people when you reinforce stereotypes and draw conclusions based on identity.

Your Identity Isn’t a Temporary Stop or Destination

Bi, pan, fluid, or queer individuals are often criticized as being “confused” or partially out of the closet on the way to being “fully gay.” It’s fine to think of your orientation or journey as an identity. As you grow and learn more about yourself, your self-perception may change. This is why some folks consider themselves “fluid” or “queer,” recognizing that labels are often imperfect and inadequate. Even if you find yourself attracted exclusively to a particular gender later in life, you define yourself, not others. 

For Allies: Viewing non-monosexuality as a temporary stop on the path to being homosexual is erasure and phobic. If you’re a true ally, you believe non-monosexual people when they tell you who they are, regardless of how things may appear to you.

Sexuality, gender identity, and gender expression are not black and white for those who identify as bi, pan, queer, or fluid. Various factors can shape the different journeys and perspectives people experience. We all have questions, and nobody has all the answers all the time. Remember to be kind and supportive to yourself and others.