One of the joys about watching your child grow is seeing them learn more about the world around them. Part of this development includes exploration and knowledge of self. Sexual orientation and gender identity are two characteristics that some children become aware of long before being able to articulate their thoughts. The decision to share gender identity or lack thereof is a major step. Here are some things you should know about having a non-binary child who is neither male nor female.

Defining What It Is To Be a Non-Binary Child

First, it helps to understand what the term “non-binary” means. Non-binary or enby (pronunciation of “NB”) refers to an identity that exists outside of the binary of male and female, and this can mean different things to different people:

• Third gender: Some identify as a third gender besides man or woman.
• Multiple genders: Others identify as multiple genders, which may include female or male.
• No gender: “Agender” is often used to describe people who are of no gender.
• Genderfluid: One whose gender identity fluctuates often describes themselves as genderfluid.

Non-binary refers to gender. It should not be confused with sexual or romantic orientations. It should also not be confused with “intersex,” as that term refers to anyone born with multiple sex characteristics who may identify as female or male. Enby or genderqueer identities are sometimes considered transgender, since these individuals have a gender that differs from the sex they were born as, but many don’t consider themselves to be transgender.

There is a lot of commentary out there with respect to identity. Your child has thoughts about their own identity. Being enby varies from person to person, so it’s important to listen to what your youngster has to say about identity.

Recognizing the Gravity

Like with sexual and romantic orientations, the decision to share one’s gender identity is huge. Recognize that your non-binary child is taking you into their confidence over something that is deeply personal. Revealing an identity that is non-binary often comes at great risk to one’s health and sense of wellness. Coming out is often scary, even to one’s closest loved ones. That may sound irrational to you as a loving parent, but many young people have been rejected and even kicked out of their homes for revealing their gender. You can allay your child’s fears by being open and supportive, even while you have questions.

Respecting the Identity of a Non-Binary Child

One of the best ways to show support is to reinforce their identity using their chosen name and personal pronouns. Many genderqueer people change their names and pronouns so that they line up with their identity or lack thereof. Usually parents name their child at birth, but don’t take it personally if your kid wants to use another name. Calling them by a birth name can be hurtful and isn’t consistent with being supportive. You’ll probably accidentally refer to them by this deadname, but apologize and commit to honoring their identity. There are plenty of people in the world who won’t respect who your child is. Don’t add to the harm.

Taking Gender Out of the Equation

Moving forward, be intentional about removing gender from the equation. It’s going to be a challenge not to think of your youngster as a son or daughter, but that doesn’t make them any less your child. At some point, many kids start making choices about what they’d like to wear or how to express themselves. Instead of doing school clothes shopping yourself, let your kid pick out appropriate attire that reflects their sense of self. Do what you can to avoid reinforcing society’s gender norms inadvertently.

Home should be the safest space for all your offspring, especially one who is non-binary. It’s good to do what you can to be informed, but you should listen to your kid. Be the support system for your non-binary child, and provide peace and protection.