It’s an honor and a joy to be invited to witness the union of two hearts in marriage. With any wedding, there are certain things you should do as a good guest. Responding to an RSVP and showing up on time are just two things every guest should do. While these are good tips for weddings, gay and straight, there are some additional considerations for same-sex ceremonies. Here are some things you should know as a guest or participant in an LGBTQ+ wedding.

1. Save Your Approval

The happy couple doesn’t need your approval. You don’t need to remind them or point out that they are a non-straight couple. You may be unintentionally suggesting a same-sex wedding is somehow not the same as that of a straight couple. Congratulate the couple and wish them well on the journey ahead, but you don’t need to express your approval.

2. Be Mindful of Terms To Be a Good Guest

Sexual identity and gender expression can be mutually exclusive terms or not. It’s important to be aware of how a couple refers to themselves as individuals and a pair. It’s not uncommon for some gay men or women to describe themselves using traditionally feminine and masculine terms respectively. This is also a reminder to be aware of terms that may exclude others, such as “ladies and gentlemen” or “bridesmaids and groomsmen.”

3. Don’t “Other” the Wedding

In the United States, same-sex marriages are the law of the land. These unions are subject to the same state requirements as heterosexual unions. Be careful about describing the event as anything other than a wedding. Remember, words mean things and they also suggest things. You’re at a wedding, not a commitment ceremony or a party, or other term used as a euphemism. When same-sex marriages weren’t legal, these other terms were used to describe an event that legally couldn’t be called a wedding. Those days are behind us. Don’t look backward.

4. Embrace New and Different Rituals

You’ve likely been to events where the bridesmaids wore matching gowns, or a bride was escorted down the aisle by a father, grandfather, or father figure. Same-sex couples often eschew some of these customs, especially ones that are gendered or based on a man marrying a woman. Some of these customs are old-fashioned and seem absurd, especially at a modern same-sex ceremony. Be open to the special day that the couple has invited you to be a part of.

This is also true for the reception. There may not be a bouquet or garter toss for single women and single men to compete for. The newlyweds may have ditched the concept of a large, multi-tiered, white cake. The day’s events should reflect the couple’s personalities and preferences. Classic traditions are some of the things guests love most about nuptials, but every couple has the right to do things their way.

5. A Good Guest Respects the Couple’s Requests

Don’t assume that requests related to attire, gifts, RSVPs, and other details are optional. Choosing to ignore or not honor the couple’s wishes is the best way to convey that you don’t care about their union, or worse, you don’t approve. Actions (or inactions) always speak louder than words. If you’re really excited about the union, then be a good sport. Honor the couple’s wishes. If you can’t accommodate their requests, it would be better to not attend or consult with them well in advance of the big day. 

There’s a lot that goes into the decision to marry someone. There’s also a lot that goes into the planning and preparation for a wedding and related events, such as receptions and rehearsal dinners. Good guest etiquette is always on trend, whether the couple is gay or straight. For LGBTQ+ ceremonies, be careful of what your actions and words communicate.