Differences can bring a couple together. But when it comes to sleep, that isn’t always the case. Maybe you prefer a warmer bedroom, yet your partner roasts when you turn off the A/C. Or your spouse likes having cats in the bedroom, but they’re furry alarm clocks you can’t shut off, insisting on a 5 a.m. breakfast every morning. Some couples try a unique solution – a sleep divorce. Despite its frightening name, the idea isn’t as bad as it sounds. In fact, sleeping apart can help preserve and strengthen your relationship.

Bed Sharing and Cultural Norms

Pop culture and everyday life often shape each other. Television shows haven’t depicted couples sleeping apart since “I Love Lucy.” So has sharing a bed always been a thing? Well, yes and no. OneZero columnist Angela Lashbrook reveals that Western couples did a few centuries ago. Only wealthy households had the money and space to provide separate bedrooms. Then the Victorian era came, and communal sleeping went out of style – it was even considered immoral.

But the cultural pendulum started swinging the other way in the 1960s. Before then, sitcom couples slept in separate twin beds thanks to the Hays Code. The American Library Association explains that the code was self-censorship. The motion picture industry wanted to avoid flouting prevalent moral standards. When television developed as a medium, broadcast networks conformed to these standards. The industry abandoned the Hays Code in 1968. Yet earlier programs like “Bewitched” started showed couples together in double beds. And after “The Brady Bunch,” sharing a bed became the norm.

Couples, Sleep Hygiene, and Health

Sharing a bed can promote intimacy and connection in a love relationship. Yet it can also rob each partner of sleep. Journalist Ivy Manners lists snoring, tossing and turning, and schedule differences. Plenty of other issues can crop up, such as ambient room temperature and bed firmness. Some couples may disagree about having pets in the bedroom.

Manners references a 2013 study linking sleep disturbances to relationship conflicts. When either partner doesn’t sleep well, this can pave the way for arguments the following day. Resentment can build if one’s habits disturb the other at night. Whoever has disruptive habits may end up feeling guilty.

You can change some of your bedroom behaviors – like not scrolling through Twitter while in bed. But some habits may be out of your control. HuffPost writer Brittany Wong adds that our sleep cycles may have intrinsic characteristics. These include our basic sleep rhythms, temperature-related comfort, and so on.

How Sleeping Apart Can Help

In a Wedding Wire piece, Jenn Sinrich mentions that more couples are sleeping apart. This helps both partners reap the benefits of good sleep. It reduces stress, your risk of depression, and anxiety levels. That’s because non-REM deep sleep is the most restorative. Brain waves are at their slowest, and the body is much more relaxed. Without this type of sleep, the brain’s prefrontal cortex doesn’t get a chance to rest. And that translates to more anxiety and irritability.

When done strategically, sleeping separately can also improve your relationship. Whether you sleep in separate beds or different rooms, you can work in intentional quality time together. Your morning and bedtime routines offer some opportunities to connect with each other. And since you both experience better health, this can improve your physical intimacy.  

Sleep Divorce and Your Relationship

Couples consider how their lifestyles impact them collectively. But it’s just as important for each person’s needs to be met. The term “sleep divorce” sounds more dramatic than it actually is. For many, it’s a solution that allows both partners to get restful sleep while maintaining interpersonal connections. Communication, collaboration, and intentional effort are all keys to making it work.