One of the most important responsibilities parents have is to teach children and help them navigate the various situations they’ll experience in life. From major firsts like riding a bicycle without training wheels to explaining puberty, kids look to their parents and guardians to answer questions and share experiences to help them understand. Suppose you’ve committed to a life together with your partner, and he, she or they are beginning the process of changing gender identity. This is a major step for your significant other as well as you and your family, especially with children in the picture. Here are some tips to help your spouse with coming out to your kids. 

Checking the Temperature

Before you lay the news on your kids, it’s important to do a check of where they are. If your children are aware of what it means to be transgender or non-binary and know people in those groups, you might not need to “test the waters” so to speak. If this is not the case, you should expose them to the topic gently. If your children’s exposure to trans and enby persons has been through transphobic jokes or critical commentary, it’s important to talk openly about this before you inform them that a parent is changing genders.

As you contemplate setting up the discussion, remember that context matters. Contextualizing the news is critical here and can make a difference when it comes to understanding and acceptance. Consider discussing gender as something that is determined before birth, like eye color and hand use. Similar to how most people are right-handed or have brown eyes, you can introduce the concept of being cisgender as something that is true for most. Young minds are very impressionable, and you and your partner should be mindful of how you start the conversation.

Talking Openly and Freely

Children are generally inquisitive. They will have lots of questions. You’ll need to consider each child’s maturity level in your discussions. It’s critical that both you and your partner are open and receptive to their questions. Ask them how they feel about having a new mom, dad or non-binary parent. Give them the space to explore their feelings. This is an opportunity for you and your spouse to relate to your family in a way that they can understand and appreciate. Be mindful of your own preconceptions and issues related to gender identity. Kids pick up on tone of voice, facial expressions and body language, especially when they don’t match the words you’re saying. It’s okay to be honest about struggles that you and your partner are having.

Getting Assistance

It might be easy to explain to your children how to change out a car engine because that’s your area of expertise. You may find it difficult to show someone how to bake a cake due to a lack of experience. It’s okay to seek assistance from experts and professionals when it comes to explaining transitioning to kids. There may be local and online resources and support. Providing a space for your children to talk to a therapist may be helpful.

Equipping Your Family

As your family works through this process, it’s important that your kids feel equipped and empowered. Talk with them about ways of addressing a parent’s new identity. Remember that it’s an adjustment period for the children as it is for you and your spouse. It may be better to have a plan for how your partner presents at home versus in public. 

The decision to live as one’s true gender or lack thereof is a big step. Navigating this can be complex when there are children around. The good news is that having kids doesn’t have to be an obstacle to living one’s truth and coming out. With care, concern and communication, you and your family can experience this journey with love and respect.