Most people enter marriage with a person who is monosexual or attracted to one particular sex or gender. This is certainly true for both gay and straight people. However, life is often complicated, leading to unexpected twists, such as learning that your spouse is bisexual or pansexual. What do you do? Does the relationship change? Here are some things you should know when your gay spouse comes out to you as bi or pan.

Be Kind

You may be upset, disappointed or even shocked. It’s important to recognize that being attracted to multiple genders is a valid sexual orientation. Bi and pan people are often viewed negatively by both straight and gay people. As someone who is queer, think about your experiences with coming out and living your truth. Recognize that your gay spouse has come out to you and revealed deeply personal information. Be kind and be your partner’s safe space even while you’re processing this news.

Fight Insecurity

The idea that a non-monosexual person is promiscuous and given to infidelity is biphobic. Unless you have other reasons to question your partner’s fidelity, you shouldn’t be insecure about the fact that they have an attraction to other genders. This doesn’t change who your spouse is as a person. You just know a little more about him or her, which is part and parcel of living, loving and growing together.

Don’t Make It About You

You didn’t turn your partner bi or pan. Avoid feeling like there’s something that you did to cause this. Sexual orientation is in a person’s code, and this is the same person you married. On the flip side, there’s nothing you can do to make your significant other monosexual again.

Communicate Openly

Recognize that you and your partner need to talk freely and often with each other about your feelings. Be intentional about really hearing your spouse’s heart in all this. You should also convey your thoughts. Processing this information will take time and understanding. It’s okay to ask your husband or wife plenty of respectful and thoughtful questions. It’s also fine to ask for his or her patience as the two of you navigate this turn in your life together.

Be Honest With Yourself

As you go through this, you should question your assumptions and feelings about having a bisexual or pansexual partner. Maybe you have hang-ups and prejudices related to those who are non-monosexual. Now is a good time to examine them and deal with them. Consider turning your preconceptions into questions and engage (lovingly) with your gay spouse. Be careful about judging, invalidating or erasing your partner’s identity.

Get Professional Help

Talking to a counselor or therapist as a couple is never a bad idea. Experienced, licensed professionals have the knowledge, wisdom and tools to support you and your partner. It can help to have the ear of an objective third party. Look for someone who has experience in dealing with married couples, LGBTQ+ concerns and sexual relationships. These pros offer non-judgmental spaces to help both of you articulate your thoughts and find a healthy way forward.

Examining Non-Monosexuality

A survey conducted in 2016 by the J. Walter Thompson Innovation Group suggests that less than half of teenagers identify as straight. Over a third had a score between 1 and 5 on the Kinsey scale, also known as the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale. With 0 meaning exclusively straight and 6 meaning exclusively gay, scores between 1 and 5 represent some level of bi- or pansexuality. As non-monosexuality becomes normalized, negative attitudes concerning those who are bi and pan will change, empowering all to feel comfortable living their truth. If your partner comes out to you as bi or pan, try to see this as an opportunity to discover more about him or her. Their non-monosexuality is not a threat to you or your relationship. Be kind, respectful, open and communicative as you move forward.