When you’ve been invited to a wedding celebration, you may feel inspired to write a few words in a greeting card, a guestbook, an email, or a social media post. You’re happy for the special couple and want to wish them well, not just for the big day, but for their life ahead also. This is true for couples, both gay and straight. For some people, finding the wrong words to say comes very easily. Here are things to consider when deciding what to write when expressing your love and support.

Congratulating the Couple

Whether you have a way with words or not, expressing congratulations always works for soon-to-be-newlyweds. Congratulating the couple is often short and to the point. Be mindful of gender and identity, as gendered terms such as “bride” and “groom” may not apply. It’s good to know the couple’s pronouns, but you can avoid issues by speaking directly to them. “You” and “y’all” are gender-neutral, and you’ll rarely go wrong with first names.

Paying Compliments

Saying something nice and complimentary to an engaged couple is usually appropriate; however, what you might intend as a compliment may not land that way. Comments based on how a couple looks together or how they’re “made for each other” may imply something you don’t mean to. Instead, tell the couple how amazing they are and how happy they look. Pay them compliments based on their shared joy, as opposed to their appearance. 

Showing Pride

Feeling a sense of when loved ones tie the knot isn’t unusual, but the word “pride” has a special meaning in the context of same-sex unions. LGBTQ+ pride is usually about self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and visibility. Unless the wedding or event takes place during Pride month, be careful about your “pride” being misinterpreted as LGBTQ+ pride. That might not be the right sentiment for the moment. Dionne Warwick once sang, “it’s love that really counts.” Focus on love.

Growing the Circle

Many LGBTQ+ people often think of “family” as their chosen circle that may or may not include actual family members or not. Like heterosexual unions, same-sex marriages often involve the joining or expansion of families or circles. You might consider welcoming the new spouse to the family when you write you message. If you’re actually related to one of the people getting married, and you’re clear on gender identity, showing enthusiasm for gaining a new sibling, child, cousin, etc., is appropriate.

Expressing Humor

When it comes to humor, one size does not fit all. While laughter can be good medicine, not everyone has the same sense of humor. If you’re especially close to one of the people getting married, a funny message can be fitting, but inside jokes may alienate the other partner. Good-natured ribbing may be welcome, but what’s funny is ultimately in the eyes of the “reader.” 

Inserting Feet Into Mouths

The following can be very offensive to LGBTQ+ couples:

• Comments about who’s wearing the gown or the tuxedo: Never make assumptions about how people present themselves, especially based on gender roles, which are often outdated and unwelcome.
• References to an “alternate” lifestyle: Don’t “other” a same-sex union by suggesting it is different, unusual, or distinct from a heterosexual union.
• Questions about how family members feel about the marriage: That’s none of your business, and happy couples don’t need you souring their mood with questions about unsupportive family.
• Overt sexual references or innuendo: Gay or straight, avoid making comments of a sexual nature.
• Statements that tokenize: While you may look forward to gaining a new loved one through this marriage, LGBTQ+ people aren’t “stickers” or “badges” to add to your collection.

Weddings are joyous occasions, and as a guest, you’re there to wish the couple well, gay or straight. The occasion calls for you to express your love and support. Keep these tips in mind. Be intentional and careful about what you write.