Whenever two people pledge to marry, they prepare to commit to a life of joint decisions, sacrifices, concessions, and understanding. This is true for queer and heterosexual couples alike. Therefore, before tying the knot, there are certain subjects that should be discussed, especially ones related to the sharing of finances, living spaces, and intimate details. Since 2015, same-sex marriages have been legal in the United States, and for many LGBTQ+ couples, marriage requires that they discuss some potentially difficult yet fruitful conversations beforehand.

Money and Finances

Let’s face it — money is often a difficult conversation for many couples. Who actually wants to talk about salary or outstanding debts? But as a couple, you and your partner will be responsible for managing the needs of your household. Knowing what you’re working with regarding income, assets, and liabilities is important. Conversations about finances help put the two of you on the same page with respect to the following:

• Income-to-debt ratio
• Financial obligations such as existing debt, child support, wage garnishment, etc.
• Wealth management goals
• Credit histories
• Perspectives on money
• Tax advantages and disadvantages

End-of-life planning is a critical subject for same-sex couples. Although marriage solidifies a surviving spouse’s claim to the deceased’s assets, LGBTQ+ couples may have to contend with family members who don’t respect or acknowledge the union. You may need to take extra steps to make sure that your estate planning wishes or those of your spouse are honored and upheld.

Healthcare and Medical History

Same-sex couples generally cannot procreate, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner shouldn’t discuss healthcare and medical history. A candid conversation about illnesses and conditions that run in your family may lead to proactive measures when it comes to long-term healthcare, estate planning, and lifestyle choices related to eating and exercise. Gender-affirming hormone therapy, for example, may or may not be covered by employer-sponsored insurance, requiring out-of-pocket payment or purchase of special coverage.

Family Planning

Everyone should have honest conversations about children before getting married. This is true whether you or your partner has children or not. If you don’t have kids, the two of you should be clear on sharing or not sharing a desire to have kids. If one or both of you already have youngsters, it’s important to have open conversations on child-raising. If the two of you have dramatically different ideas on childcare, you’ll want to know ahead of time.

Religion and Politics

Although same-sex marriage is legal, LGBTQ+ issues tend to be very political. Throw in religion and you can see the importance of knowing where the two of you stand on certain subjects. Agreeing to disagree sounds good in theory, but the reality can be quite a challenge, even for spouses. LGBTQ+ couples should discuss the added wrinkle of family influence. Your family might be accepting of your partner, but the opposite may not be true. How will that affect your relationship? You won’t know if you don’t discuss it.

Relationship Stuff

Regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity, couples should also speak frankly about various relationship topics, including sex, intimacy, love language, infidelity, and other challenging subjects. What can you tolerate? What are your non-negotiables? How do you handle conflict? How would your partner answer those questions? Even the happiest of marriages go through rough patches. Having an understanding ahead of time can help you and your significant other weather life’s storms.  

No one knows everything the future may hold, but that doesn’t mean LGBTQ+ partners shouldn’t prepare. A big part of preparation is having open, honest, and clear communication about difficult topics before tying the knot. It may be somewhat uncomfortable, but knowing is usually better than going in blind and unaware.