Most of us love conflict in our favorite movies, books, TV shows, or video games. Yet it’s not exactly something we look forward to in our love relationships. Some conflict is healthy, but that’s hard to remember when you’re having arguments about finances, in-laws, or relationship boundaries. Learning how to argue constructively can help you make the most of conflict, encouraging growth in your relationship.

What Not To Do During Arguments

During arguments, you may fall into bad habits such as defensiveness and being critical of your mate. Yet there’s one serious mistake that you must avoid: expressing contempt for your partner. The Gay Couples Institute describes this contempt as possessing an air of judgment, and Psychology Today’s Susan Heitler mentions telltale physical and auditory signs such as a sarcastic tone of voice, eye-rolling, and a raised upper lip.

Contempt reflects a dismissive, demeaning, and condescending attitude. It may also signal that one partner is attempting to dominate the other, eventually resulting in toxicity and feelings of rejection. With these negative effects, it’s no surprise that contempt is a leading factor in the breakdown of relationships. Meanwhile, psychologist Anu Rajgarhia lists several other destructive behaviors to avoid:

• Trivializing
• Blaming
• Invalidation
• Bringing up past fights
• Name-calling
• Shaming or putting down
• Using absolute words like “always” or “never”
• Making threats

Set Ground Rules and Don’t Avoid Arguments

Now that you’ve seen harmful practices in couples’ arguments, how can you make better choices? You don’t need to steer clear of arguments, as Huffington Post’s Brittany Wong clarifies. In fact, couples who don’t try to prevent fights can fare better than those who do. It’s better to confront unpleasant and scary topics rather than put them off and risk a seemingly innocent disagreement blowing up into major drama.

Having a set of ground rules can establish acceptable behaviors and potentially prevent things from getting out of hand. When developing these together, use your past mistakes as a guide so that you don’t hurt each other in the same ways again. You could agree not to interrupt each other, for example, or specify when you should take a break.

Good Communication Is Vital

How we communicate when we’re upset either paves the way toward positive resolution or stirs up resentment and strife. That’s why an empathetic approach is key for healthy arguments. You aren’t required to agree with your partner right away, but you must at least listen first to what is being said. To accomplish this goal, Wong suggests starting discussions slowly and taking turns talking.

When it comes to communication, it’s also important to include your feelings. Dr. Rajgarhia explains that using “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements may help you to avoid sounding critical. For instance, you could say, “I feel overwhelmed and stressed when you spend money on items that aren’t in our budget.”

Empathy also means acknowledging your partner’s feelings and point of view. As you begin to see the other’s perspective and needs, you move farther away from being defensive or critical. At this point, you can begin collaborating on a solution that benefits you both.

Know When It’s Time To Cool Down

Sometimes, feelings can run high and tempers may flare. At that point, your best bet is to take a “time out.” This gives you both the space to calm down, step away from the argument, and think more clearly. Don’t forget to set a later time to revisit the topic, perhaps in a few hours or even the following day.

Every couple must learn how to navigate disagreements in a useful way. Any approach should balance good communication, respect for each other, a willingness to face difficult issues, and a desire to help one’s partner through collaboration. Practicing these habits is a great start to turning harmful arguments into healthy ones.